Everyone knows about my affinity for lists, so today I am going to write my top 10 list of celebrities/athletes/famous people I would like to booze with.
10. David Hasselhoff
80's Icon - check.
90's Icon - check.
International Musician - check.
Global Icon - check.
Raging drunk - check.
Drinking with Michael Knight, Mitch Buchannon, and any other character David Hasselhoff may have played during his illustrious career wouldn't nearly be as fun as drinking with The Hoff when he was sooo bombed he was eating a cheeseburger off his bathroom floor. I know I have been just as drunk as he was but shit I am never sitting on my bathroom floor eating anything. I would want to get him so bombed that we tape it and make another internet hit. That is why David Hasslehoff is number 10 on my list.
9. Brad Penny
Brad is a bulldog out on the field. I bet after every start he does 5 shots of Jim Beam and shot guns 4 Budweiser heavies. He seems like a great neighbor and a run of the mill type of dude. He is the type of guy who will take you out hunting, kill 16 deers, BBQ the shit out of them and then take you to a honky tonk to get plastered. Doesn't hurt his stock that he used to fuck Alyssa Milano on the regular. Brad Penny is number 9 on my list.
8. Sarah Silverman
Now Sarah is not for everyone but she is IT for me. She is raunchy, funny, rude and sexy. I bet she would go out drinking with you, be your wing man and then cock block and take the girl home. She swears like a sailor and basically is a dude with tits and vagina. As you can see from the pictures aboveshe does not give a fuck. That is why Sarah Silverman is number 8 on my list.
7. Jason "Wee Man" Acuna
If you have seen Jackass then you know why I would want to drink with Wee Man. First the obvious, He is a midget and I fucking love any and all midgets. Second, he isn't a mean midget like so many that I have come across in the midget world. Third, have you seen his hot girlfriend?
(Dominique Arganese is a gorgeous model, but apparently she’s a freak that loves to have sex with “little people”. Dominique was dating Verne Troyer “Mini Me”, but cheated on him with Jason Acuna “Wee Man”.)
You know that dude crushes pussy on the regular. Lastly, 3 beers and you know he is bombed. I could 100% drink him under the table and twice on Sundays. That's why Wee man is number 7 on my list.
6. Derek "D-Lowe" Lowe
Quick little story about Derek Lowe: Mikey T and I were at the old Cask N' Flagon during the 7th inning of a rain delay a few years back and in walks D-Lowe(this was around 2002 way before pink hat nation took over). Some drunk crazy slovenly broad approached him and asked if he was from Washington state. He laughed, finished his beer and told her he was from Michigan. She didn't believe him and continued to sweat him till he left. I didn't even get to the best part of the story. D-Lowe actually started the game that was in a rain delay and he was out boozing before the last out. In a way, I guess I kind of boozed with D-Lowe but its not the same. The mere fact that he was out about town boozing when the game wasn't yet over is a great reason for me to want to booze with D-Lowe and thats why he is number 6 on my list. I kind of feel like he is the one that got away, that I could of actually boozed with him if not for that sloppy twat sweating him.
5. John Daly
“Golfer John Daly was taken into custody Sunday morning by Winston-Salem police after he was found drunk outside an area Hooters restaurant…While at the restaurant, police said Daly “appeared extremely intoxicated and uncooperative,” refused repeatedly to be taken to the hospital and was asked to leave the restaurant by several workers.” Daly was found passed out drunk in a flower bed and had pissed himself."
This dude will drink so hard for so long. He will refuse medical attention and just pass out and piss himself. Who wouldn't want to booze with John Daly? If you don't then you are probably a Canadian who smokes cock. John Daly would drink me under the table and that's why he is number 5 on my list.
4. Chelsea Handler
With two top selling novels, "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands" and "Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea" plus The Chelsea Handler Show on E! Chelsea pretty much has the market cornered on being a classy slut. One book about fucking complete strangers and another about getting drunk she seems to have her shit down. I bet if we went out boozing she would get bombed only to disappear for 30 minutes, while she blew and fucked some random in the bathroom. She would come back to have everyone smell her semen breath and then we would all have a laugh about it. Being a classy slut is why Chelsea Handler is number 4 on my list.
3. Anthony Bourdain
I watch "No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain" religiously. It is one of my favorite televisions shows. He doesn't care where he is or what he is eating as long as there is some sort of booze involved. The more obscure the land the crazier the drink concoction. He never seems out of his element and he is always on the go. My favorite thing about watching him is his blunt honesty. I would like to booze with him because we could end up in some rain forest at one of his friend's house eating sweet breads and drinking out out a monkey skull or at some upscale place in NY City. That is why Anthony Bourdain is number 3 on my list.
2. Kid Rock
Is he a rapper? Is he a rocker? Is he a country music star? He is all that and then some - He is an American Badass! He reps the shit out of being from Detroit. He pulls more tail than most. He drinks Schlitz, Pabst Blue ribbon and every other thing under the sun. You know if you meet up for drinks with him it could turn into a 3 day bender. You would go from a dive bar Friday night, the Kentucky Derby Saturday night to a boat party out on a lake in Michigan all day Sunday. No matter what you would not be disappointed with the boozefest. That is why Kid Rock is number 2 on my list.
1. Toby Keith
I went back and forth between Toby Keith and Kid Rock for the top spot on my list of who I want to booze with. Toby just inched Kid Rock out. I think Toby would want to go out camping/hunting and getting fucked up by a camp fire singing songs about being an American and kicking ass. He would have shotgun races and competition to see who could do more shots without falling over. He would want to have drunk 4 wheeler races through the mud and see who could do a longer keg stand. He just seems like to booze more so than your average celebrity. Every other song is about being drunk and fucked up. I want to hang out, get fucked up and pass out in my own puke after a night of boozing with Toby. That is why Toby Keith is number 1 on my list.
Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, DMX, Eddie Murphy, Katt Williams, Jack Edwards and Andy Dick. All for various reasons.
Maybe I should do more top 10 lists? It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be but it sure was fun. If I do happen to booze with any of these celebrities I'll make sure I get pictures.
Who would you want to booze with? Leave it in the comments section.