Derek is a raving psycopath

he's big, he's burly, he's always down to booze and for a short period titled himself Mr Booze.

but, then again there was always something a little off about him right? Just a little something. Maybe its the always being happy? Love of the hentai genre? The zany facial hair? I don't know myself but this. THIS I KNOW

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PROOF HES A PSYCHOPATH

1. Kit Kat
2. Reeces Peanut Butter cup
3. Mounds/Almond Joy
4. Reeces Pieces
5. Hershey - kisses, mini candy bars or full size bars
6.M & M peanuts
7. Man I loved Whatchamacallits when I was little
8. Twix bars
9. Caramellos
10. 100 Grand bar

Sorry Snickers and Milky Way

What the hell is that? Kit Kat #1 Ya sure Kit Kat is a respectable but, at best is suited for ice cream cumbling

#2 Reeces? First open the Wikipedia its REESES, second its 2016 everyone has peanut butter allegies especially kids. Might as well say I hate kids and steal from collection baskets.

#3 Mounds/Almond Joy, Who in human history has ever uttered the words "Man I could go for an Almond Joy"? Answer: No One

#4 Reeces Pieces, misspelled again. Just double down on the kid hate more bro.

#5 Hershey? Didn't know this was a Candy Company list? And fucking nobody likes Hershey Kisses. Their role is to go square in the center of an oatmeal cookie come Christmas time AND even then that is at best a dessert appetizer

#6 Peanut M&Ms ok I respect this, and is Kid safe because it doesn't contain Peanut Butter

#7 Whatchamacallits, date yourself some more grandpa, I bet you liked them with a nice can of Moxie right before buying some War Bonds and taking the trolley to the pictures

#8 Twix Bar? That's not candy, its a snack food? Whats next Fruit by the Foot or Gushers?

#9 Caremellos? They actually sell those? I thought you could only get them out of church fundraiser candy boxes?

#10 100 Grand Bar? Again, how was the Depression? Was Polio a real concern of yours? Do rowdy teens upset you?

and last but not least sorry Snickers and Milky Way? Might as well say put me on a watch list. What you did was the equivalent of Moses coming down the mountain with Thou Shall Not Kill and Thou shall not steal covered up and saying NBD?

What is that? Any coincidence Derek got into Sausage making recently? Well after this I can tell you conclusively those sausages everyone was raving about contained human flesh.

Have a good vacation Derek. I know your not going anywhere but, I can guarantee readers there is going to be a spike in missing persons and mutilated farm animals

DT on Thanksgiving via the Yahoo

As you know I am always looking for shit to blog about. I take any and all suggestions and I'll try to write about anything at least once.  One of the long time readers sent me this article, so I figured it was time to break out Derek's take...We all remember how this works right? The original article is linked at the top (if you care to read it without my take), then copied and italicized in this blog. Finally each piece is has my take (DT).

Top 6 Tips to Avoid a Thanksgiving Dinner Meltdown

By Elaine Corn



In a perfect world, we would start making food for Thanksgiving on Halloween. In reality, even experienced cooks don't do this. Most of us cook the whole meal on Thanksgiving Day. Ever been in a grocery store on the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving? Point proved.


Completing an entire Thanksgiving meal the day of is certainly reasonable and achievable, even for beginners. Here are six tips to get you going. Some are sure to horrify purists. But heat is heat and flesh is flesh. When they meet in an oven, the bird will cook.

Before we even get to this zany bitches 6 steps to avoid a Thanksgiving disaster lets start with the obvious: No one is thinking about starting to cook for Thanksgiving on Halloween. People have normal day lives that they live and no one on November 1st is starting to stress about cooking one fucking meal. I don't care if the Prince of England was coming by. As far as being at a grocery store the night before Thanksgiving? Are you fucking serious lady? One of the biggest drinking nights of the year and you are out shopping for walnuts and canned yams? You should be stocking up on bottles of Vodka, 30 packs of beer and a few extra bottle of wine for those crazy neighbors who stay too long and want to get their drink on but only on your dime.

1. Go over your recipes the night before.

Know your plan of action. If there's time and you're not too tired, chop onions, celery, and carrots and hold them in the refrigerator in zip bags. Get out the turkey's roasting pan and any baking dishes you haven't used all year. Check them because they might need washing.

(DT) This lady is a real fucking genius. Read your recipes the night before, wash some dishes because you put them away fucking dirty (are you a filthy animal or what?) and cut up all your veggies. This is my step 1. The Tuesday before Thanksgiving make sure you have all that you are going to need for Thursday because Wednesday night you are tieing one on. Its not a Thankgiving without being hungover. If you find that maybe you forgot marshmallows for your sweet potato caserole, ask the wife is she would be a peach and pick some up. If not, pray that you have some year old Fluff kicking around your cabinets. Either way you shouldn't be washing dishes (that should be clean), cutting veggies (that you can do at 9am hungover) or reading no damn Family Circus recipes.

2. Start with a fully defrosted turkey.


None of the information here applies if you've forgotten to defrost your turkey. If you've bought a frozen one the night before, you are in trouble. Yes, you can try sticking a blow dryer up the turkey's cavity, but you will not only create a heated incubator for bacteria in the cavity, you will end up with a gross blow dryer you'll never want to touch again.


If caught short the night before, buy a fresh turkey. If you're so unlucky that fresh turkeys are sold out, but a smallish frozen one -- 10 to 12 pounds. You can defrost it safely -- still wrapped -- in a sink filled with cold water. Change the water every 30 minutes, calibrating one 30-minute soak per pound of turkey. A 10-pound turkey will take about five to six hours to defrost.

(DT) So first she says start cooking on Halloween but then thinks you are going to forget to defrost the turkey? Well which is it lady? Are we preparing all month or are we morons who just found out Thanksgiving is coming? Its pretty much common sense that you defrost anything you are going to cook. I already told you that the day before Thanksgiving is for getting your drink on so theres no running out to buy a fresh turkey(which by the way is more than double the cost per pound, Mrs. Smarty pants doesn't mention that).  My step 2. Listen if you are on a bender, and you didn't buy a turkey or you have a frozen turkey (you don't want to go all Bill Nye the Science guy with water baths and circulatory pumps to change out water; ruining your Turkey Eve boozefest) call up your parents or her parents and tell them you are bring the damn family over for some Thanksgiving family time. Round up the booze, the kids and some fucking apple pies and lets do this. Or always make back up reservations at a restaurant.

3. Tackle the clamp.


Fresh or frozen, the turkey's drumsticks are constrained for shipping by the meanest thing in cooking -- the clamp. Whether metal or plastic, the bird comes with no directions on how to free the drumsticks. You've got to open the cavity to remove the giblets. In my struggles to remove the clamp, I've drawn blood. That's because, at least with the metal ones, the maneuver is counter-intuitive.


Metal clamp: With a towel, pull the upside-down "U" toward you. With your other hand, find the strength to lift the loosest drumstick up, over and out of the clamp. Once the first drumstick is free, the second one will come over and out easily. But the clamp is still in the bird! Squeeze its sides in, and push it away from you. It will slide out.


Plastic clamp: Snip it with scissors, free the drumsticks, reach in and remove the bag of giblets.

(DT) Basically in order to remove the clamps holding the legs together you need to use the Pythagorean Theorem? My step 3. Its either a piece of plastic that you can clip with scissors or its a piece of aluminum that you can clip with fucking scissors! There's no fancy two handed U shaped pull over under leg restraint removal while using a towel maneuver. Plus if you are using algebra to remove a leg clamp and do  two handed moves how can you be holding your drank?

4. Always use a meat thermometer.



Turkeys are tricky. The breast meat cooks first, but it's still attached to the bird while it waits for the dark meat to finish. White meat is ready at 170 F, dark meat at 175 to 180 F. To take a reading, insert it in the dark meat, which takes the longest to cook. Newer digital thermometers stay in the turkey for the entire roasting time and beep when the set temperature is reached.

A 10- to 14-pound turkey should be cooked at 350 F for 2 to 2½ hours. A 14- to 18-pound bird should cook at 325 F for 2½ to 3½ hours.


If you don't have a meat thermometer, here's the old-fashioned method. Gently pull a drumstick (use a towel to hold on) away from the body. Where the skin has stretched, use a small knife to make a cut to expose the meat. Take a look. If you see red juices or pink meat, keep roasting. Check for doneness at 15-minute intervals until juices run clear. I like this method because no one will see the cut.

(DT) You know me, I am old school. I don't own a fancy meat thermometer. It is 2011 though and don't all turkeys come with those little red pop up plastic timers? As far as the "old-fashioned method" this lady proposes; I plan to be wayyyyy to drunk for that(and again with the fucking towel) Here is my step 4. Preheat the oven to 350 F and make yourself a bloody mary. While the oven is heating up munch on the celery and olives in your drink - not only are you drinking but you are eating your breakfast. All meats, whether it's chicken, turkey, beef, pork or duck take about 20 minutes a pound. I have no idea where this ding bat of a woman thinks you can cook a 15 lb turkey in 3.5 hours. No wonder she has pink meat. It is not rocket science. 20 minutes a pound for 15 pounds would be 5 hours. Why do you think our parents would wake up at the ass crack of dawn to cook a turkey. Because the shit takes time.

5. After the turkey has roasted an hour, add about 2 cups of water to the bottom of the pan.


This is the beginning of your gravy or natural pan juices.

(DT) I have no idea why we are waiting  an hour to put the water on the bottom of the pan. My step 5. Place the turkey on a rack in the bottom of the roasting pan, this way the turkey is raised up and isnt boiling and stewing away in the water. Then again I use chicken stock and not water. I want my gravy to be tasty not watered down. Since the turkey has moved into the pan and heading for the oven; it is time to move on from Bloody Marys and onto vodka tonics. If you haven't peeled your potatoes, carrots, sweet potatoes and made the green been caserole now is the time to start. The bird is in the oven and we have nothing but time to work on our buzz and the sides.

6. If, after carving, parts are undercooked, microwave them for a minute or two.


No one will know.

(DT) Now I know why she wants you to start cooking right after Halloween, this bitch don't know how to cook. Microwave your turkey? How ghetto is that?  My Step 6. when the turkey finally comes out of the oven and rests under aluminum foil for 20 minutes you should be pretty well on your way to being bombed so anything will taste awesome. The gravy should be plentiful, tasty and not watery (since we used stock) so if your bird is a little bit on the dry side bury it with the brown stuff.

When the meal is over you should be killing off bottles of wine, polishing off 30 packs and laughing it up with friends and family.

When it is all said and done no one is going to remember if the turkey was dry or the mashed potatoes were lumpy. They will remember how hungover they were, how hard they laughed and who won the football game.

Dereks Take (DT)

14 Most Outdated Pieces of Baby Advice.

This is the original article on Yahoo...

Basically it lists a myth and then the correlating truth. Well I am going to read the myth, the truth and give you my take -"Derek's take" or (DT) for short... If this works out maybe I will do this more in the future.

Onto the article:
Much of yesterday's baby wisdom has been proven untrue today. We checked in with Parents advisor Ari Brown, M.D., author of Baby 411, to get the scoop on why these old-school parenting facts have become fiction.



Myth: Infants need to be bathed every day.

The truth: Babies don't get stinky from sweat the way adults do, so they only need a bath every two or three days (except following a major diaper explosion!). If it's part of your wind-down routine, a daily bath is perfectly okay too--just moisturize afterwards.

Derek's take(DT): Wash your damn babies. They smell like shit, puke, piss, burps and nasty baby food. You know that nice newborn baby smell? That is because parents wash their babies!!
Myth: Babies sleep best in a room that's silent and dark.

The truth: While some children really are light sleepers, most do fine with background noise and a little light. Plus, if your little one gets used to some activity around him when he's sleeping, he'll be more willing to snooze in a variety of situations.

DT: This doesn't mean you call all your friends over and throw a bash. You can't have people drinking 40's, smoking blunts and showing up with an 8ball just because the little one went down for a nap. You can however have a few guys over to watch the Sox, B's or Pats game. Ladies you can still have a few glases of wine while attending book club.

Myth: When infants are running a high temperature, rub them down with alcohol to lower their fever.

The truth: Rubbing your baby with alcohol won't actually bring down her fever--plus it's unsafe, since alcohol can be absorbed through her skin.

DT: You are way  more fucked up that I thought if you are rubbing alcohol on your babies. That shit burns! We have all rubbed alcohol on our skin to clean something and that shit stings for quite some time. Now if you are are actually rubbing vodka, tequila or gin on your babies then you are just a straight up alkey and should seek immediate attention.
Myth: Letting your little one stand or bounce in your lap can cause bowlegs later on.

The truth: He won't become bowlegged; that's just an old wives' tale. Moreover, young babies are learning how to bear weight on their legs and find their center of gravity, so letting your child stand or bounce is both fun and developmentally stimulating for him.

DT: What kind of moron thinks that bouncing a standing baby on your knees/lap will cause bowlegs? You know what causes bowlegs? 1. You walk crookedly and your parents are too wasted to correct you and 2. you are soo lazy that you never get your fat ass off the couch except to change the video game on your Xbox and PS3.

Myth: Listening to classical music will raise your baby's IQ.

The truth: Music can enrich a little one's life, but no conclusive research has found that having a baby listen to classical music in particular can result in significant brain-boosting benefits.

DT: Listen if you like shitty classical music then listen to it but don't blame an unborn child for your taste in shit music. Hell the kid would be coming out the womb with 2 strikes against it - 1. You are their parents and 2. You like shitty music.

Myth: Let your baby cry it out; if you pick her up whenever she's wailing, you'll spoil her.

The truth: Babies under 4 months of age have few self-soothing strategies; they know how to suck to soothe and like being swaddled, but that's about it. Picking infants up when they cry helps them learn that parents will always be there to take care of them.

DT: What are you some sort of shit head? You are going to sit down crush a few Bud heavies and listen to your new born baby scream its little head off? You know what sucks about babies...they can't tell you what's wrong with them. Maybe they pissed, shit, are getting a rash, a fever or a new tooth is coming in. Hell, maybe they are lonely and just want the nice warmth of being near their parents. Either way stop being a selfish dickhead and pick up your screaming baby. (BTW your neighbors can hear the baby screaming bloody murder and in this day and age everyone calls child services...Im just saying)
Myth: Babies should be woken up in the night to have a wet diaper changed.

The truth: Urine is sterile, and today's diapers are highly absorbent, so it's fine to leave a baby in a wet diaper overnight. However, staying in poopy diaper for too long can cause a UTI or a bladder infection, especially for baby girls--so if you smell one, change it out.

DT: Listen ya filthy animal. How would you like to sleep in pissy pants all night? Doesn't sound like a night at Disney world now does it? Get off your fucking ass and change the diaper. You wanted(maybe you didnt but you had it anyways) the child. Plus if the baby sleeps in a pissy diaper it eventually leaks onto the sheets and matress and you just added more things for yourself to do in the morning.
Myth: It's dangerous to immunize your infant if he has a cold or a low-grade fever.

The truth: A minor illness won't lower your baby's immune-system response to a vaccination--or increase his risk of any nasty reactions from a shot.

DT: I know it is a baby(remember I said it sucks that they can't tell you something may be wrong) but when I was little your parents toughed it out. No one was running to the doctors every 5 minutes. Now I am not saying if your baby has a 105 fever let em ride it out but if the baby is 99.8 give it a cold bath, let it cry and wait it out a bit. Hell when you scraped your knee back in the day - you rubbed dirt on it. Now you go to the ER get some iodine cleansing to make sure you dont get an infection for falling into a dirty puddle. Heaven forbid a baby attempt to walk and fall on its ass and cry...
Myth: Never apply sunscreen to an infant under 6 months of age.

The truth: The risk of skin cancer down the road from sun exposure is greater than the risk of your baby having a reaction to sunscreen. It's best to keep her away from dangerous UV rays as much as possible from 10 A.M. to 4 P.M., but put on sunscreen with at least 15 SPF if she'll be in the sun. The AAP says that it's fine to apply a minimal amount of sunscreen to small areas, such as a baby's face and the back of the hands.

DT: This myth shouldn't even be addressed. Lets use some common fucking sense. Hey how about this; You just had a baby...lets stay away from the beach, is that really too much to ask? At least a 6 month stay away ban from all beach activities. There is no need to bring a new born to the beach to bake away. I know, I know they make fancy carriages that block out the sun and the baby is in the shade. Have you ever been to the beach and sat under a shady umbrella AND STILL NOT SWEATED YOUR BALLS OFF? Now bringing a newborn to basically cook away in a carriage sounds like a wonderful fucking idea. What next? Lets see what happens when we place the baby in the microwave?


Myth: During the first month of a baby's life, it's critical that all baby bottles and nipples be sterilized.

The truth: Sterilize bottles and nipples when you first take them out of the package--but after that, washing with soap and water is fine. Babies are exposed to many more germs than those that remain on a well-scrubbed bottle or nipple.

DT: This is only a myth because some lazy bitch(probably a dude) complained about steralizing bottles and nipples. Would it really take more than the time water boils to steralize any bottles, nipples, or pacifiers? Just run the dishwasher without soap and just use the scolding hot water. Quit being lazy.

Myth: The safest way to put an infant to sleep is on her stomach.

The truth: The safest sleep position for a baby is on its back. In the past, doctors worried that babies might choke on any spit-up if they weren't lying on their tummy or side, but studies ultimately linked these positions to higher rates of SIDS.

DT: I guess this one would have to be talked through with your doctor. I mean seems like your fucked if you put em on the back and you are fucked if you out em on their stomachs. Just dont sleep and watch your child 24/7 or take turns sleeping. Your wofe can sleep in the day and you at night.
Myth: Putting rice cereal in your infant's bottle will help him sleep.

The truth: Hold off on introducing solids until 4 to 6 months. Research suggests that babies who are given solids before 4 months are actually worse sleepers than their formula-fed counterparts--an studies have revealed a link between the early introduction of solids and obesity later in life.

DT: Everyone has a study now a days. I actually did a study on studies but I got so shitfaced I forgot where I left my notes. Do whatever shuts up your child. If formula and milk aint cutting it then give them some rice cereal. if they are obese later in life it's probably because they are bowlegged from not exercising enough.

Myth: It's critical to keep your baby on a strict feeding schedule.

The truth: It's better to feed on demand, as infants' internal hunger cues will tell them when they're hungry and when they're full. By putting your child on a feeding schedule, you may negatively affect your little one's inborn healthy-eating habits.

DT:  We ain't dealing with rocket science here. If the kid has been changed and the mobile above it's bed isn't keeping it occupied and it starts to cry most likley it is hungry. Give it some food and if thats not it then maybe it just wanted to say hello but starving a baby because it is 3:30 and you feed them at 4:00 DO NOT STARVE YOUR CHILD!
Myth: Infants need hard-soled shoes to protect their delicate toes and keep their feet properly aligned.

The truth: Babies use their toes to grip the surfaces that they're walking on, so they should actually go shoeless indoors. To keep tiny tootsies safe outside, get a shoe with a good grip on the sole--hard-soled shoes can be too slippery.

DT: Unless your baby is all of a sudden going to be going into a contstruction job that requires steel toed boots then just get a regular pair of shoes on the baby. God knows that in 2 months the baby will need new shoes anyways. The baby will be wlaking in now time!

I hope that this first try at Derek's Take was a success. If we learned anything it is that baby myths are straight up bullshit.

If all else fails remember this:
If you get it out, put it up.

If you sleep on it, make it up.
If you wear it, hang it up.
If you drop it, pick it up.
If you dirty it, wash it.
If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If it rings, answer it.
If it howls, feed it.
If it cries, love it.

hanks to MikeyT for giving me this wonderful idea.