Friday, November 5, 2010

Marriage advice

One of the best parts(or is it worst) of getting married is the never ending ball busting/bullshitting in regards to taking the plunge. You random texts, emails and phone conversations about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of married life. For example:

These magic 21 tricks for pleasing your woman have been passed down for
centuries, and each is an old Tibetan teaching I will now share with you.

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will
keep her on her toes and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or
if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are
like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is,
say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every
girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry
is for pussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is,
stare into her eyes mouth the words "fuck you" and grab the other girls ass.
Girls love competition.

8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special

9. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... Then
you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop
bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a
black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

10. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom
(they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying
and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she's cooking food. knock
the food off the table. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't

12. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self
confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
desires to be.

13. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
This way shell go crazy.

14. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on
it. but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad
smell. You know what I'm talking about.

15. Titty twisters, and plenty of them.

16. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This
way she'll think you're mysterious.

17. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material
objects aren't important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps
you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when
ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming
over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly
sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I
think it's funny.

19. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her
that you
will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she
waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a
special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now don't call. Ever.

20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she does,
then get off her and leave. Girls love that.

21. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material
objects aren't important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps
you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

Like I said earlier, it is one of the better things about getting married. It helps to keep everything in perspective and keep you stress free. I don't know if I am just dumb and take it the wrong way but I try to take it all in stride. (By the way #20 is my favorite)


Chrissy said...

7 is my favorite number so I will give that one a try at your wedding

Anonymous said...

Honestly there all great but if you do any of them you wont be married for long......