Monday, November 17, 2008

ADSL Season 3 - Fantasy Football Update:

Grab your coffee and donut and get settled in boys and girls because this may be a long one. I’m speechless…..absolutely speechless….one of the few times in my life that I don’t know what to say. To describe this week as a train wreck would be an understatement. Maybe a train wreck with a natural disaster thrown in could better describe this week. You name it and we had it……a game that ended in an 11-10 score but really wasn’t an 11-10 score. Don’t worry Street Pharmacist I’m sure that 6 points for the Steelers defense that was stolen from you won’t matter at the end of the year. We had a tie game that I’m thankful wasn’t on TV, if it was I’m positive I would’ve thrown my shoe through the TV. Hey Mr. Chunky Soup in case you are curious here are the OT rules….good luck playing in Chicago or Minny next year you stiff!

Sudden Death
1. The sudden death system of determining the winner shall prevail when score is tied at the end of the regulation playing time of all NFL games. The team scoring first during overtime play shall be the winner and the game automatically ends upon any score (by safety, field goal, or touchdown) or when a score is awarded by Referee for a palpably unfair act.
2. At the end of regulation time the Referee will immediately toss coin at center of field in accordance with rules pertaining to the usual pregame toss. The captain of the visiting team will call the toss prior to the coin being flipped.
3. Following a three-minute intermission after the end of the regulation game, play will be continued in 15-minute periods or until there is a score*. There is a two-minute intermission between subsequent periods. The teams change goals at the start of each period. Each team has three time outs per half and all general timing provisions apply as during a regular game. Disqualified players are not allowed to return.
*Exception: In preseason and regular season games there shall be a maximum of 15 minutes of sudden death with two time outs instead of three. General provisions that apply for the fourth quarter will prevail. Try not attempted if touchdown scored. If there is no score in the 15 minutes, the game shall end in a tie.

OK…I got that out of my system I feel much better now. Before we get into the train wreck portion of today’s programming just a quick check on the league. Dead Beat Dad came away with the win putting up 149.5 points. The top 5 are all within 80 points of first place so it looks like a wide open race. PHARMACIST still appears to be the team to beat putting up consistent numbers week in and week out.

Now for the train wreck. Listen people the Goose Egg Club was a freaking joke, OK. I really didn’t think it was possible for that many players to put up 0 points. Maybe an injury early in the game or something like that I can understand. But to play an entire game and get 0 fantasy points? Seriously? You guys do realize this is only a 10 team league and there are plenty of options out there. Right? This is only our third official week for the Goose Egg Club and we already have D St Dirtballs, Defending Champs, JSL Enterprises, and Madd Fucking Niggerish as members. For you people that aren’t math majors that 40% (Smidawgs: take the 4 and divide it by 10, you get .40…… .40 is the same as 40%) of the league that have put up 0 points in the last 3 weeks. I figured since the bye weeks are over the Goose Egg Club would go away and I wouldn’t have to worry about it for the rest of the year. I guess I was mistaken…..we now have a new member….Smidawgs! Rumor has it Anthony Fasano really did dress for this game but looking at the stat line that rumor cannot be confirmed. Good work DAWGS! Next is Nacho Papa who got an outstanding performance from Lee Evans (0 points). I swear PAPA I saw Evans out on the field. I know I did. Sadly we aren’t done yet, our first member CHAMPS is taking the Goose Egg to a whole new level. We all know this club was created because CHAMPS couldn’t get a point out of his TE’s. I honestly don’t have the energy to look it up but this has to be the 4th or 5th week CHAMPS has gotten 0 points out of their tight end. I’ve been left with no other alternative CHAMPS…..I give up…..OK…. you win. CHAMPS you get the Lifetime Goose Egg Club membership….happy now? But no matter what you do I refuse to rename this the Tony Scheffler Club. I won’t do it damn it and you can’t make me. Unfortunately a lifetime membership has no monetary value so you can’t trade it (or in your case take it to the local pawn shop) for the $100 you still owe the Commish!

Things I’m Thinking…….
1. Put your hands up if you thought Matt Cassell could throw for 400 yards in a game…..put them down you liars.
2. A tie with the Bengals? The God Damn 1-8 Bengals! Just shoot me please.
3. Won’t happen but can somebody tell me how the scheduling will work if both the Jets and Giants host the AFC and NFC Championship games?
4. I will take back my CHANGE column if the new Prez can figure out a way to get us a playoff in college football.
5. Mark Cuban cited for insider trading…..why does this not surprise me.

Hottie Alert!!

Just wanted to make sure you are still paying attention before things get nasty.

I’ve tried to go in another direction with this weeks review but Costanza is demanding he be heard. Might be a good time to put on the bulletproof vest kids. This might get ugly.

I’m not going to say I’m proud of it but a correct call is a correct call. Last week we told NIGGERISH that Holt was his must start and Burress should be put on the bench. Not only did we tell you this but we took the time out of our busy schedule to do a second blog entry. What do you do to thank us? You ignored us. We are starting to feel like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction……”I’m not going to be ignored Dan”. I’ll admit we cannot get too excited about Holt getting 8.5 points but it was 3 more than Burress. And when you are short, fat and bald you take anything you can get.

Ok D St Dirtballs you’re up. DIRTBALLS I would like to introduce you to a guy named Ryan Grant. Get to know him real well because you will owe him a beer after he keeps you out of the Chase for the Dress. Take a hint DIRTBALLS he’s gonna be your horse. We understand that losing 17 points because you kept Grant on the bench is painful but all lessons are painful lets just hope you learn from it.

Who’s next? Ahh yes..our friends PHARMACIST. What happened PHARMACIST I thought we moved past these silly games? I guess we were wrong because you decided to put Rockin’ Roddy on the bench? Is there a part of MUST START you don’t understand? We couldn’t figure out what the problem was until we saw this picture. Now it all makes sense you are an animal lover. Way to take a stand kid..any Vick supporter must be an animal hater. We are glad to see the $600 for 1st place won’t sway you from your morals. I respect that!

Your turn JSL Enterprises. Now I’m gonna need you to concentrate on this one so stop screwing around and read this very carefully. Side Note: Smidawgs you have no shot at following this one so just move on to the next section. Now JSL, do you recall a certain un-named member of ADSL who is not affiliated with Costanza Central tell you last week that Breaston was a must start. The crew at Costanza Central agreed with this but since we didn’t actually give you this advice you had an opportunity to Costanza it. That’s right you should have done the opposite, things would have worked out much better for you. Remember people you can’t do the opposite on Costanza advice but since this advice didn’t come from us its fair game. This is a thinking man’s game ladies……try to keep up.

OK DAWGS you can start reading again.

I know what you’re thinking…”was the Costanza Award thrown in there and I missed it?” That was a lot of bad decisions…surely one of those had to get the Costanza. Oh no my friends…..OH NO! I’ll be honest the term Award has absolutely no business being in the same paragraph as these two. But Slippery Wizards and Smidawgs took things to a whole new level this week. Not only did the benches outscore the starters for both teams but it was a race to see who made the worst decision. Before we make a choice lets look at both cases. DAWGS got 65 points from their starters and 94 points from the bench. WIZARDS had 96 points on their bench while the starters chipped in with 82 points. What a fucking mess… what do I do? The Magic 8 Ball was no help and I can’t find my Ouija Board (look it up CHAMPS it's a white man thing...I’m too tired to explain). Since its after midnight the Costanza Crew is well on there way to another night of passing out drunk at strangers houses.

So I guess it’s up to me. We really hate to disappoint you WIZARDS because you seem so excited to receive the Costanza Award but we have to give it to DAWGS. We just can’t look past the Goose Egg Club membership, the last place finish and the loss of 29 points. Just can’t do it kids. Congratulations DAWGS you are the week 11 Costanza Award winner. Is anybody keeping track of who gets the most Costanza Awards?

Also wanted to thank the Bills and Browns for playing a shitty game that was not interesting. Gave me time to write this. Before we wrap things up lets make sure we managed to get everyone in:
Street Pharmacist…check
Defending Champs….check
Slippery Wizards….check
D St Dirtballs….check
JSL Enterprises.…check
Madd Niggerish….check
Dead Beat Dad…check
Nacho Papa….check
Sflabo….oh shit we left out FLABO and I’m exhausted. Let me think for a second...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Better luck next week kids….look at it this way I can’t imagine it getting any worse.


d said...


Just1Fig said...

Chunky Soup?? Who Doesn't like Chunky Soup?? Where's his Mom's at?

Anonymous said...

Boy do I look good in that picture. That was taken back when I could actually play quarterback

Anonymous said...

Hey Mcnabb...
Its me Freddie Mitchell, Ya FRED-EX!! Bet you miss me now. A Tie??

Anonymous said...

FREDDIE!!! How the hell are ya. Sorry I had you run out of town but it turns out your hands aren't that wonderful. But I'll call ya when I get to Chi-town. I guess what goes around comes around.