Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dereks Take (DT)

14 Most Outdated Pieces of Baby Advice.

This is the original article on Yahoo...

Basically it lists a myth and then the correlating truth. Well I am going to read the myth, the truth and give you my take -"Derek's take" or (DT) for short... If this works out maybe I will do this more in the future.

Onto the article:
Much of yesterday's baby wisdom has been proven untrue today. We checked in with Parents advisor Ari Brown, M.D., author of Baby 411, to get the scoop on why these old-school parenting facts have become fiction.

Myth: Infants need to be bathed every day.

The truth: Babies don't get stinky from sweat the way adults do, so they only need a bath every two or three days (except following a major diaper explosion!). If it's part of your wind-down routine, a daily bath is perfectly okay too--just moisturize afterwards.

Derek's take(DT): Wash your damn babies. They smell like shit, puke, piss, burps and nasty baby food. You know that nice newborn baby smell? That is because parents wash their babies!!
Myth: Babies sleep best in a room that's silent and dark.

The truth: While some children really are light sleepers, most do fine with background noise and a little light. Plus, if your little one gets used to some activity around him when he's sleeping, he'll be more willing to snooze in a variety of situations.

DT: This doesn't mean you call all your friends over and throw a bash. You can't have people drinking 40's, smoking blunts and showing up with an 8ball just because the little one went down for a nap. You can however have a few guys over to watch the Sox, B's or Pats game. Ladies you can still have a few glases of wine while attending book club.

Myth: When infants are running a high temperature, rub them down with alcohol to lower their fever.

The truth: Rubbing your baby with alcohol won't actually bring down her fever--plus it's unsafe, since alcohol can be absorbed through her skin.

DT: You are way  more fucked up that I thought if you are rubbing alcohol on your babies. That shit burns! We have all rubbed alcohol on our skin to clean something and that shit stings for quite some time. Now if you are are actually rubbing vodka, tequila or gin on your babies then you are just a straight up alkey and should seek immediate attention.
Myth: Letting your little one stand or bounce in your lap can cause bowlegs later on.

The truth: He won't become bowlegged; that's just an old wives' tale. Moreover, young babies are learning how to bear weight on their legs and find their center of gravity, so letting your child stand or bounce is both fun and developmentally stimulating for him.

DT: What kind of moron thinks that bouncing a standing baby on your knees/lap will cause bowlegs? You know what causes bowlegs? 1. You walk crookedly and your parents are too wasted to correct you and 2. you are soo lazy that you never get your fat ass off the couch except to change the video game on your Xbox and PS3.

Myth: Listening to classical music will raise your baby's IQ.

The truth: Music can enrich a little one's life, but no conclusive research has found that having a baby listen to classical music in particular can result in significant brain-boosting benefits.

DT: Listen if you like shitty classical music then listen to it but don't blame an unborn child for your taste in shit music. Hell the kid would be coming out the womb with 2 strikes against it - 1. You are their parents and 2. You like shitty music.

Myth: Let your baby cry it out; if you pick her up whenever she's wailing, you'll spoil her.

The truth: Babies under 4 months of age have few self-soothing strategies; they know how to suck to soothe and like being swaddled, but that's about it. Picking infants up when they cry helps them learn that parents will always be there to take care of them.

DT: What are you some sort of shit head? You are going to sit down crush a few Bud heavies and listen to your new born baby scream its little head off? You know what sucks about babies...they can't tell you what's wrong with them. Maybe they pissed, shit, are getting a rash, a fever or a new tooth is coming in. Hell, maybe they are lonely and just want the nice warmth of being near their parents. Either way stop being a selfish dickhead and pick up your screaming baby. (BTW your neighbors can hear the baby screaming bloody murder and in this day and age everyone calls child services...Im just saying)
Myth: Babies should be woken up in the night to have a wet diaper changed.

The truth: Urine is sterile, and today's diapers are highly absorbent, so it's fine to leave a baby in a wet diaper overnight. However, staying in poopy diaper for too long can cause a UTI or a bladder infection, especially for baby girls--so if you smell one, change it out.

DT: Listen ya filthy animal. How would you like to sleep in pissy pants all night? Doesn't sound like a night at Disney world now does it? Get off your fucking ass and change the diaper. You wanted(maybe you didnt but you had it anyways) the child. Plus if the baby sleeps in a pissy diaper it eventually leaks onto the sheets and matress and you just added more things for yourself to do in the morning.
Myth: It's dangerous to immunize your infant if he has a cold or a low-grade fever.

The truth: A minor illness won't lower your baby's immune-system response to a vaccination--or increase his risk of any nasty reactions from a shot.

DT: I know it is a baby(remember I said it sucks that they can't tell you something may be wrong) but when I was little your parents toughed it out. No one was running to the doctors every 5 minutes. Now I am not saying if your baby has a 105 fever let em ride it out but if the baby is 99.8 give it a cold bath, let it cry and wait it out a bit. Hell when you scraped your knee back in the day - you rubbed dirt on it. Now you go to the ER get some iodine cleansing to make sure you dont get an infection for falling into a dirty puddle. Heaven forbid a baby attempt to walk and fall on its ass and cry...
Myth: Never apply sunscreen to an infant under 6 months of age.

The truth: The risk of skin cancer down the road from sun exposure is greater than the risk of your baby having a reaction to sunscreen. It's best to keep her away from dangerous UV rays as much as possible from 10 A.M. to 4 P.M., but put on sunscreen with at least 15 SPF if she'll be in the sun. The AAP says that it's fine to apply a minimal amount of sunscreen to small areas, such as a baby's face and the back of the hands.

DT: This myth shouldn't even be addressed. Lets use some common fucking sense. Hey how about this; You just had a baby...lets stay away from the beach, is that really too much to ask? At least a 6 month stay away ban from all beach activities. There is no need to bring a new born to the beach to bake away. I know, I know they make fancy carriages that block out the sun and the baby is in the shade. Have you ever been to the beach and sat under a shady umbrella AND STILL NOT SWEATED YOUR BALLS OFF? Now bringing a newborn to basically cook away in a carriage sounds like a wonderful fucking idea. What next? Lets see what happens when we place the baby in the microwave?

Myth: During the first month of a baby's life, it's critical that all baby bottles and nipples be sterilized.

The truth: Sterilize bottles and nipples when you first take them out of the package--but after that, washing with soap and water is fine. Babies are exposed to many more germs than those that remain on a well-scrubbed bottle or nipple.

DT: This is only a myth because some lazy bitch(probably a dude) complained about steralizing bottles and nipples. Would it really take more than the time water boils to steralize any bottles, nipples, or pacifiers? Just run the dishwasher without soap and just use the scolding hot water. Quit being lazy.

Myth: The safest way to put an infant to sleep is on her stomach.

The truth: The safest sleep position for a baby is on its back. In the past, doctors worried that babies might choke on any spit-up if they weren't lying on their tummy or side, but studies ultimately linked these positions to higher rates of SIDS.

DT: I guess this one would have to be talked through with your doctor. I mean seems like your fucked if you put em on the back and you are fucked if you out em on their stomachs. Just dont sleep and watch your child 24/7 or take turns sleeping. Your wofe can sleep in the day and you at night.
Myth: Putting rice cereal in your infant's bottle will help him sleep.

The truth: Hold off on introducing solids until 4 to 6 months. Research suggests that babies who are given solids before 4 months are actually worse sleepers than their formula-fed counterparts--an studies have revealed a link between the early introduction of solids and obesity later in life.

DT: Everyone has a study now a days. I actually did a study on studies but I got so shitfaced I forgot where I left my notes. Do whatever shuts up your child. If formula and milk aint cutting it then give them some rice cereal. if they are obese later in life it's probably because they are bowlegged from not exercising enough.

Myth: It's critical to keep your baby on a strict feeding schedule.

The truth: It's better to feed on demand, as infants' internal hunger cues will tell them when they're hungry and when they're full. By putting your child on a feeding schedule, you may negatively affect your little one's inborn healthy-eating habits.

DT:  We ain't dealing with rocket science here. If the kid has been changed and the mobile above it's bed isn't keeping it occupied and it starts to cry most likley it is hungry. Give it some food and if thats not it then maybe it just wanted to say hello but starving a baby because it is 3:30 and you feed them at 4:00 DO NOT STARVE YOUR CHILD!
Myth: Infants need hard-soled shoes to protect their delicate toes and keep their feet properly aligned.

The truth: Babies use their toes to grip the surfaces that they're walking on, so they should actually go shoeless indoors. To keep tiny tootsies safe outside, get a shoe with a good grip on the sole--hard-soled shoes can be too slippery.

DT: Unless your baby is all of a sudden going to be going into a contstruction job that requires steel toed boots then just get a regular pair of shoes on the baby. God knows that in 2 months the baby will need new shoes anyways. The baby will be wlaking in now time!

I hope that this first try at Derek's Take was a success. If we learned anything it is that baby myths are straight up bullshit.

If all else fails remember this:
If you get it out, put it up.

If you sleep on it, make it up.
If you wear it, hang it up.
If you drop it, pick it up.
If you dirty it, wash it.
If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If it rings, answer it.
If it howls, feed it.
If it cries, love it.

hanks to MikeyT for giving me this wonderful idea.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you should have 3 kids by now... I liked your take it was right on!